In life you get a lot of warnings. There are the obvious ones- road block ahead, may cause drowsiness, drink responsibly.. so on and so forth. Then there are the "brace yourself" type of warnings. These are situations like: childbirth is definitely going to hurt, college is super expensive, A NIGHT INVOLVING TEQUILA WILL NEVER END WELL. While I really appreciate the heads up people gave me on life situations that might be difficult, there's one nobody prepared me for:
Death.
It hurts man. No matter how many times you try to tell yourself that the inevitable is never going to come or that they are no longer suffering- when it happens, no matter the case, it freaking sucks. That person is gone and they are n e v e r coming back. All you're left with are racing thoughts on what the last thing you said was, what could you have done different, and all the best memories. I'm going to tell you right now that memories will absolutely never make up for that person no longer existing. "Be thankful for the memories" blah blah blah. You know what I want to be thankful for? That person still existing.
You can probably tell that I am nowhere near the acceptance stage of losing my grandparents. Truthfully, I doubt I ever will be. How am I supposed to accept that they had to go and I never got the chance to say goodbye? They threw in the towel and I'm expected to accept it and move on. Maybe I'm wired wrong, but my heart doesn't operate that way. I still wake up and for a brief moment forget that they're gone. A few weeks ago I received my first byline- I was SO excited I picked my phone up to call my grandma. Immediately I realized Heaven doesn't accept phone calls and my heart broke all over again.
Why didn't someone tell me that losing loved ones not only hurts, but brings out an anger you didn't even know you had. My little brother heard me talking about my grandma the other day and he said with the biggest smile on his face, "my mamaw was such an awesome mamaw! She always had TruMoo chocolate milk, my favorite suckers, and we went to McDonalds all the time. She would scratch my back and we would watch cartoons.. she's the best!" Without even thinking I word-vomited, "okay Logan," and shut him completely down.
What I'm about to admit is so selfish of me to say, but I need to say it out loud.. I was furious that he has such happy memories. He genuinely has no sadness because he only knew the good and still doesn't completely understand what it means when people die.. (I'm jealous of his innocent heart.) It's not fair that I had to watch my grandparents suffer, or see the tears in their eyes when I left their hospital rooms because they accepted they might never see me again (whereas I was trying so hard to be optimistic.) It's just not fair that he can talk about them with a smile on his face while I can feel my heart breaking whenever their names are brought up.
Don't get me wrong- at times I go through my Disney photo albums with a grin from ear to ear. I listen to Gretchen Wilson and dance around as if my grandma were shaking her booty right next to me. I retell baby stories that I know by heart because my grandpa was always so proud to tell someone about me. I don't think I'll ever be able to go to the mall without spending every dime I have- thanks Mamaw Nette for teaching me that skill. But.. I will not lie to you.. it stings. Every single one of these actions sting. I want to hear my grandpa tell everyone about my first footlong hotdog at the Mooreland Fair.. or shop all day and wind up at the Cheesecake Factory with my grandma instead of getting it to go by myself.
They warn you that wrecking your bike is going to hurt and that having your wisdom teeth removed will take a few days to recover. But what I wish they'd tell you is how you can spend a life time and never stop missing those who has left you. That even though you might become better at masking the tears, or the wince your face makes when their name is said out loud.. the hurting can only be masked so well. Although it hurts, the love you have for them will never go away- people can't live forever, but love can.
-morg
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